Bloody snow is a no no.............

Bloody snow! Just when I thought I had dealt with the sleepless nights of worry regarding xmas shopping & online deliveries of last minute Christmas gifts, the snow starts! That's Asda Christmas food delivery on the 20th, & RM deliveries out for another 2 weeks then!!  As you can see I am into projection today, & not in a good way either! I don't mean to be a pessimist, it's just the way my head works sometimes & I hate it so much. I long to turn my brain off!

At present I am thinking about this & nursing a nasty headache (no doubt due to anxiety) I am a perfectionist, so this means I am more than usually unhappy because stuff is just not good enough!! I feel that I am 99% not good enough - that sounds so self piteous hey? It's true though, at least today. The thing about this illness is that I am either too far up or too far down, never balanced. I never know just how I am going to feel from one day to the next. Yesterday I spent the whole day fretting about all of the above, plus worrying about my 14 year old starting a new school in January. Will he be OK? am I making a mistake taking him out of the old school? Blah blah blah.

Now most people would see the positives. He wants to go, it was his choice - check. It's closer to home for him, no more 8 mile bus journeys every day (& cheaper) - check, it's a good school -check.  But I spent the night in tears. I am like a child at times. I absolutely Hate change. It's all self centered fear, I know that. It's just so hard to get a grip on reality as I am a fantasist. I want everything to be perfect. Change means the unexpected & I hate that. I need to be in control. That's why I write this blog -it's therapy & a chance to get all this madness out of my head. The reality is that I may have my problems but I am very lucky to be honest. I have a loving family, a home & my health today (no news on the latest Cancer scare, but I am hopeful!) I also have a 12 step programme, which try's to teach me how to live in the real world one day at a time & not bolt at the slightest test it may bring. I am a very crappy student of this philosophy most days, but am at least willing! I have a faith in God, who if I bother to look has provided me with everything I need today. I actually prayed last night for the first time in ages as I just felt so low. It helped. The thing I am trying to say is that I at least KNOW what my main problems are - namely me most of the time. Most folks wander through life never truly knowing themselves. This way may be painful, but at least I am getting to know the real me, warts & all! Whether I like it or not, this is me. But God do I wish I could change the way I feel most of the time! Give me the strength to be all the person I can be, to myself & to others.

On that note all, I will say goodnight & God bless.

C xxx

Can't sleep won't sleep

Well I can't sleep (again) as I am worrying about finances & am still in pain with the diseased boob (Had the big C in my right breast just over 2/12 years ago, & they have just found 8 lumps in it this time) Friday was my MRI scan when the lumps were found but I am thinking they are cysts as they bloody hurt like mad!! That, together with worrying about xmas with hardly any cash is making me edgy. So I am back blogging at what?, half one in the AM? OK then. My teenager is awake with me at the moment listening to music on her laptop. I worry about her as she is 16 & gets all the mood swings & loss of sleep too. I just hope that she escapes all this crap that I get.  The thought of her going through all this makes me feel awful. 

Had an OK day though. My lovely partner did all the dinner & uniforms so I could just chill out for a while. I am reading Gone by Mo Hayder which I got for £3.49 in good old WH Smiths the other day. I did not get on with Pig Island, however this one is much better. I was also happy that X Factor is over thank God! Matt is OK though & I wish him well & congrats. I am off tomorrow to spend my free from Sky £50 M&S vouchers. (what a bloody ordeal it was to get them too) If I am lucky I may get 2 pints of milk, hand squeezed from a gold cow, & some hand wrapped by the Queen tea cakes for that price! But hey, it IS M&S right? And I can be sure they will taste good! 

I took my Dad out yesterday so he could go xmas shopping, which I so did not want to do. Poor Dad. He is in a care home & has Parkinson's disease so can't walk far on his own. It went OK & though I was knackered as I had not slept the night before, I did not kill him when he stood on my foot this time. I actually have quite a lot of patience when I put my mind to it! I also went to an AA party that evening which was OK too. I think I was over tired after though - hence the feeling of total fatigue today.

Speaking of AA, I am having a party for some AA's Boxing day which I am dreading because some of them hate each other! I am hoping my M&S tea cakes will keep the peace for a while. Why the Fuck I decided to have a bunch of recovering AA members in the same room at Christmas in my house is beyond me. I blame the pills myself - must have been on a manic one. I hardly know most of them. It's my usual " I want you to like me please" mentality born from low self esteem. One of them, an author, is quite full on, which will no doubt go down like a cold cup of vomit with my partner! This guy is funny, but is very loud & likes to show off in front of the girlie's. I think he is a closet Gay TBH but whatever floats your boat hey? I will see it as an excuse to get dolled up out of my usual jeans & test my so called spirituality. M&S party food & all! 

Well, not a lot else to say other than thanks for reading my manic drivel & taking an interest in my car crash of a life. On a positive note, I am still drink free (yay!) & at least on the right road to recovery & partaking in life, whatever life is.

So long for now,

Blog blog blog.................

Hello peeps!

Not been blogging for a while as you may notice. Usual crap, different location. I am getting ready for the festive period & putting my tree up. Are you guys ready for it all? I have still got loads to do which is so unlike me TBH. My manic episodes usually drive me to a frenzy of crimbo shopping in October , so this is late for me! Perhaps a sign that I am at last calming down a bit on this new medication. I have also been going to AA  a lot & taken on service of making teas. I had a slip & took a drink (it was a drink) after 6 years of sobriety, so I need to get back on track there. I have been trying very hard, though I love AA principles, & there is no doubt it does work for Alcoholics, I actually hate most of the folks that go there. A real bunch of egotistical mental patients most of them TBH. To have a lot of AA meetings in asylums is a good idea I reckon as most of them need to be kept in there!! That said, there are great people in AA but in my experience they are few & far between. ANYWAY - AA rant aside I am feeling kinda positive ATM & am looking for a PT job. I sooo need to get back into normal living again. My sleeping patterns are getting slowly better, though not as fast as I would like them to. I have to remember that I did not get ill overnight & I will not get well overnight either. I want it all now though that's the problem I have got. So I continue to be a contradiction in terms, well in some ways but quite insane in others. I have also felt like a drink in the weeks leading up to crimbo, hence the insane statement. Now I know the drill, but it's bloody hard when you are struggling with money troubles, kids & a home to run, & a mental illness to boot. I want to run away but I know where it will take me. I can't keep running all the time. Normal people have all the same problems as me yet they still carry on. I will keep going & achieve goals that are realistic, not mad fantasies that I think will fix me. It's still a slow & painful process.

So that's me. At this present time I am watching Iron man 2 with my little boy. We will be doing the Sunday night ritual of bath & X Factor too. (To confess I actually HATE X Factor, but my Son loves it) So who will win? Matt I hope, as I actually can't stand that Cher TBH. It's like watching my Daughter with a tantrum on the TV, which I get at home for free ( with the added bonus of sending her to the pit & shutting the door) & the others just bore me to tears it's just so painful! But hey, I am here, with my kids & almost happy. So I can be at least grateful for that. I am trying NOT to concentrate on all the housework & washing I have to do tomorrow - it's just a sin & I HATE it!! It NEVER stops, ever! And as I am a clean freak, setting foot into my teenagers squats is painful in the extreme! I am also finalising my divorce tomorrow (amicable thank God) as I am set to marry the lovely Stan Laurel (my nick name for my long suffering partner) in July 2011. Just got to loose the extra tyre first!!

So for now blogsters, farewell & have a lovely evening!