Bloody snow is a no no.............

Bloody snow! Just when I thought I had dealt with the sleepless nights of worry regarding xmas shopping & online deliveries of last minute Christmas gifts, the snow starts! That's Asda Christmas food delivery on the 20th, & RM deliveries out for another 2 weeks then!!  As you can see I am into projection today, & not in a good way either! I don't mean to be a pessimist, it's just the way my head works sometimes & I hate it so much. I long to turn my brain off!

At present I am thinking about this & nursing a nasty headache (no doubt due to anxiety) I am a perfectionist, so this means I am more than usually unhappy because stuff is just not good enough!! I feel that I am 99% not good enough - that sounds so self piteous hey? It's true though, at least today. The thing about this illness is that I am either too far up or too far down, never balanced. I never know just how I am going to feel from one day to the next. Yesterday I spent the whole day fretting about all of the above, plus worrying about my 14 year old starting a new school in January. Will he be OK? am I making a mistake taking him out of the old school? Blah blah blah.

Now most people would see the positives. He wants to go, it was his choice - check. It's closer to home for him, no more 8 mile bus journeys every day (& cheaper) - check, it's a good school -check.  But I spent the night in tears. I am like a child at times. I absolutely Hate change. It's all self centered fear, I know that. It's just so hard to get a grip on reality as I am a fantasist. I want everything to be perfect. Change means the unexpected & I hate that. I need to be in control. That's why I write this blog -it's therapy & a chance to get all this madness out of my head. The reality is that I may have my problems but I am very lucky to be honest. I have a loving family, a home & my health today (no news on the latest Cancer scare, but I am hopeful!) I also have a 12 step programme, which try's to teach me how to live in the real world one day at a time & not bolt at the slightest test it may bring. I am a very crappy student of this philosophy most days, but am at least willing! I have a faith in God, who if I bother to look has provided me with everything I need today. I actually prayed last night for the first time in ages as I just felt so low. It helped. The thing I am trying to say is that I at least KNOW what my main problems are - namely me most of the time. Most folks wander through life never truly knowing themselves. This way may be painful, but at least I am getting to know the real me, warts & all! Whether I like it or not, this is me. But God do I wish I could change the way I feel most of the time! Give me the strength to be all the person I can be, to myself & to others.

On that note all, I will say goodnight & God bless.

C xxx