Well I never.....................

Well people hello! How is everyone today?? Missed me? I have been tr es busy since my last post & I want to tell you all about the news. I have a job! Two actually!! How exciting is that?? One is in a shop & another in a nursing home. I am just waiting for my CRB (well, she's a bit batty but not an axe murderer) check & a start date for the nursing home & as for the shop job, I had my 1st day this week & it went OK. Apart from my not realising just how many different types of organic bread there is (loads BTW) I think I will get on OK!!

 On the Bi polar front I am doing well. The sleeping problems are a thing of the past, thanks to a lovely little drug called Mirtazapine!! I am getting there. I am sleeping well most nights & getting up at 6.15am bright & bushy. It's a miracle!! (oh, hang on........youngest wants a drink. Be Right with you)..................................

OK I am back. Where was I.......Yep the drug. It was prescribed by my lovely Doc to cure my insomnia. (why they never gave it to me before is a bit of a baffle, but hey-ho) & I am finding the extra weight I have gained a little bit of a worry, but you can't have jam on your egg can you? I am just grateful I am now partaking in normal life.

 I am just in the process of coming off of Income support & going into Working tax credits. It will be the 1st time in over 5 years that I have been able to do that, which is fantastic!! Yes, we will be a little better off each week but it's not about the money. For me it is all about the self esteem. I have been bringing up children since I was 18, & have lost my identity along the way. This is my chance to get that back. I will struggle, I always do with change. Don't we all??  All I have ever wanted is to be normal. Not a statistic. I am now a working mum & it feels great!

Not much else to tell you really, oh, apart from this lovely guy that comes into the shop. Nice bloke, but He loves to wear women's clothes. This day he has on a pair of semi sheer ladies tights, no underwear (;@) & a hat with flowers on it! I had to keep my eyes on his as I served the sourdough loaf!! I almost peed myself with laughter afterwards looking at all the old biddies faces when he came in! Classic one of those moments you never forget. I wonder what he will be wearing next week........??

Till then lovelies, taa laa xxxxxxxxxxxx

Bloody snow is a no no.............

Bloody snow! Just when I thought I had dealt with the sleepless nights of worry regarding xmas shopping & online deliveries of last minute Christmas gifts, the snow starts! That's Asda Christmas food delivery on the 20th, & RM deliveries out for another 2 weeks then!!  As you can see I am into projection today, & not in a good way either! I don't mean to be a pessimist, it's just the way my head works sometimes & I hate it so much. I long to turn my brain off!

At present I am thinking about this & nursing a nasty headache (no doubt due to anxiety) I am a perfectionist, so this means I am more than usually unhappy because stuff is just not good enough!! I feel that I am 99% not good enough - that sounds so self piteous hey? It's true though, at least today. The thing about this illness is that I am either too far up or too far down, never balanced. I never know just how I am going to feel from one day to the next. Yesterday I spent the whole day fretting about all of the above, plus worrying about my 14 year old starting a new school in January. Will he be OK? am I making a mistake taking him out of the old school? Blah blah blah.

Now most people would see the positives. He wants to go, it was his choice - check. It's closer to home for him, no more 8 mile bus journeys every day (& cheaper) - check, it's a good school -check.  But I spent the night in tears. I am like a child at times. I absolutely Hate change. It's all self centered fear, I know that. It's just so hard to get a grip on reality as I am a fantasist. I want everything to be perfect. Change means the unexpected & I hate that. I need to be in control. That's why I write this blog -it's therapy & a chance to get all this madness out of my head. The reality is that I may have my problems but I am very lucky to be honest. I have a loving family, a home & my health today (no news on the latest Cancer scare, but I am hopeful!) I also have a 12 step programme, which try's to teach me how to live in the real world one day at a time & not bolt at the slightest test it may bring. I am a very crappy student of this philosophy most days, but am at least willing! I have a faith in God, who if I bother to look has provided me with everything I need today. I actually prayed last night for the first time in ages as I just felt so low. It helped. The thing I am trying to say is that I at least KNOW what my main problems are - namely me most of the time. Most folks wander through life never truly knowing themselves. This way may be painful, but at least I am getting to know the real me, warts & all! Whether I like it or not, this is me. But God do I wish I could change the way I feel most of the time! Give me the strength to be all the person I can be, to myself & to others.

On that note all, I will say goodnight & God bless.

C xxx

Can't sleep won't sleep

Well I can't sleep (again) as I am worrying about finances & am still in pain with the diseased boob (Had the big C in my right breast just over 2/12 years ago, & they have just found 8 lumps in it this time) Friday was my MRI scan when the lumps were found but I am thinking they are cysts as they bloody hurt like mad!! That, together with worrying about xmas with hardly any cash is making me edgy. So I am back blogging at what?, half one in the AM? OK then. My teenager is awake with me at the moment listening to music on her laptop. I worry about her as she is 16 & gets all the mood swings & loss of sleep too. I just hope that she escapes all this crap that I get.  The thought of her going through all this makes me feel awful. 

Had an OK day though. My lovely partner did all the dinner & uniforms so I could just chill out for a while. I am reading Gone by Mo Hayder which I got for £3.49 in good old WH Smiths the other day. I did not get on with Pig Island, however this one is much better. I was also happy that X Factor is over thank God! Matt is OK though & I wish him well & congrats. I am off tomorrow to spend my free from Sky £50 M&S vouchers. (what a bloody ordeal it was to get them too) If I am lucky I may get 2 pints of milk, hand squeezed from a gold cow, & some hand wrapped by the Queen tea cakes for that price! But hey, it IS M&S right? And I can be sure they will taste good! 

I took my Dad out yesterday so he could go xmas shopping, which I so did not want to do. Poor Dad. He is in a care home & has Parkinson's disease so can't walk far on his own. It went OK & though I was knackered as I had not slept the night before, I did not kill him when he stood on my foot this time. I actually have quite a lot of patience when I put my mind to it! I also went to an AA party that evening which was OK too. I think I was over tired after though - hence the feeling of total fatigue today.

Speaking of AA, I am having a party for some AA's Boxing day which I am dreading because some of them hate each other! I am hoping my M&S tea cakes will keep the peace for a while. Why the Fuck I decided to have a bunch of recovering AA members in the same room at Christmas in my house is beyond me. I blame the pills myself - must have been on a manic one. I hardly know most of them. It's my usual " I want you to like me please" mentality born from low self esteem. One of them, an author, is quite full on, which will no doubt go down like a cold cup of vomit with my partner! This guy is funny, but is very loud & likes to show off in front of the girlie's. I think he is a closet Gay TBH but whatever floats your boat hey? I will see it as an excuse to get dolled up out of my usual jeans & test my so called spirituality. M&S party food & all! 

Well, not a lot else to say other than thanks for reading my manic drivel & taking an interest in my car crash of a life. On a positive note, I am still drink free (yay!) & at least on the right road to recovery & partaking in life, whatever life is.

So long for now,

Blog blog blog.................

Hello peeps!

Not been blogging for a while as you may notice. Usual crap, different location. I am getting ready for the festive period & putting my tree up. Are you guys ready for it all? I have still got loads to do which is so unlike me TBH. My manic episodes usually drive me to a frenzy of crimbo shopping in October , so this is late for me! Perhaps a sign that I am at last calming down a bit on this new medication. I have also been going to AA  a lot & taken on service of making teas. I had a slip & took a drink (it was a drink) after 6 years of sobriety, so I need to get back on track there. I have been trying very hard, though I love AA principles, & there is no doubt it does work for Alcoholics, I actually hate most of the folks that go there. A real bunch of egotistical mental patients most of them TBH. To have a lot of AA meetings in asylums is a good idea I reckon as most of them need to be kept in there!! That said, there are great people in AA but in my experience they are few & far between. ANYWAY - AA rant aside I am feeling kinda positive ATM & am looking for a PT job. I sooo need to get back into normal living again. My sleeping patterns are getting slowly better, though not as fast as I would like them to. I have to remember that I did not get ill overnight & I will not get well overnight either. I want it all now though that's the problem I have got. So I continue to be a contradiction in terms, well in some ways but quite insane in others. I have also felt like a drink in the weeks leading up to crimbo, hence the insane statement. Now I know the drill, but it's bloody hard when you are struggling with money troubles, kids & a home to run, & a mental illness to boot. I want to run away but I know where it will take me. I can't keep running all the time. Normal people have all the same problems as me yet they still carry on. I will keep going & achieve goals that are realistic, not mad fantasies that I think will fix me. It's still a slow & painful process.

So that's me. At this present time I am watching Iron man 2 with my little boy. We will be doing the Sunday night ritual of bath & X Factor too. (To confess I actually HATE X Factor, but my Son loves it) So who will win? Matt I hope, as I actually can't stand that Cher TBH. It's like watching my Daughter with a tantrum on the TV, which I get at home for free ( with the added bonus of sending her to the pit & shutting the door) & the others just bore me to tears it's just so painful! But hey, I am here, with my kids & almost happy. So I can be at least grateful for that. I am trying NOT to concentrate on all the housework & washing I have to do tomorrow - it's just a sin & I HATE it!! It NEVER stops, ever! And as I am a clean freak, setting foot into my teenagers squats is painful in the extreme! I am also finalising my divorce tomorrow (amicable thank God) as I am set to marry the lovely Stan Laurel (my nick name for my long suffering partner) in July 2011. Just got to loose the extra tyre first!!

So for now blogsters, farewell & have a lovely evening!

I am back!!

Well that was embarrassing!! I have spent 2 weeks trying & failing to log in due to my forgetting my email address! How silly. I have an excuse though. I have been undergoing a medication change & have had to adjust to that. I must say it is going rather well & I got over the Seroquel DT's easily enough considering the dose. I am now taking Aripiprazole as well as the venlaflaxine & have been getting up nice & early every day & sleeping a lot better. Life in general has improved AND I am starting to see my waist again!! Yea! God did I put on some serious weight on the Seroquel. Jesus, I looked like Heather from Eastenders's fatter twin! & as I hardly eat, that is some going! I have cleared ALL of my washing (Depressives will know how much I had, with a family of 5 & several months of low ones) I have put together 3 new beds & changed rooms around, joined a gym, bought new clothes, got a new TV up & running, & now plan to decorate the living room this week!! Yes I have felt a little like a speed head on these drugs but BOY do I get things done on em!

Ok. So what now? I have been waiting for the low one I am told will come after a few weeks (yep cheers for the optimism Doc) however not here as of yet thank God. Will I end up in the end of a bottle like poor Carol Jackson without the bulldog chewing a wasp expression? I hope not!  I may actually be getting, dare I say it, better? I am starting my driving lessons again next week & plan to be on the road within the next few months I hope. Then I can really say I am on my way. (I have been trying & failing to learn to drive for 16 years!) This depression has taken my life away but I am fighting back now. Kids are great, partner is fab & my wedding is soon. What more could I ask for? 

So for now, toodles folks. I will check in again soon & if I can't sleep, them my little fingers will be tapping away on here very soon.

Chow for now,

Hello Blogsters!! Long time no hear!

 Well hello blogsters! I have not checked in for a while as I have been too high on life, er.... OK that's is a lie, but I have been tres' busy.

Lots of things have happened since my last check in. After recovering from a semi breakdown thanks to Asda online groceries (don't ask!) & Natwest -the helpful bank -NOT! I have actually had a very productive week for once! Although I am not due to see the mental health team till Friday (good job I have not offed myself by then during the 2 week wait for an appointment, hey?) for all the good they do, which is little in my experience. I have had to dig myself out of the trench as per. I know self medicating is not the answer, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As a result I have managed to re-set my body clock a little & have been up & about by 8am most days! Hoo-ray Henry! I have actually been partaking in life for once, & have decided to look into going back to uni to study nursing. I will be starting my evening job for the NHS soon & I have always wanted to be a nurse. I have an appointment to go to the uni open day at the end of October. If I do manage to survive the nightmare journey to get there, & all the skinny Model type students remains to be seen! I will keep you posted.

 I have been loving the morning strolls into town after the school run in the Autumn sunshine. I have been doing a lot of walking lately in the hope of renewing my relationship with my waist - whom I have not seen in a long time. No results as yet, not that I am impatient, I am just sick of looking 6 months pregnant all the time. 

The kids have benefited from me being up & around, home cooking (although the macaroni cheese I made yesterday could have been used to build walls) & unfortunately, homework!! I caught my eldest Son forging my signature in his HW planner so as to avoid my finding out he had a detention for non completion of Math HW. He is now in Home HW boot camp! Which went down like a cold cup of spew! The thing that most upsets me as a Bo Polar sufferer is the time missed with my kids, not being around if they need me. This week I have been around, both as loving interested Mum, & Homework tyrant Mum. It feels fantastic to be back, although at the present time my eldest Son may disagree!

I have not been to an AA meeting in over a week though so I do need to force myself into that again. TBH I have been doing so well that I did not want to spoil it sitting in a room full of (real) cranks!! And believe me, some of them are! How am I supposed to take seriously a Man who openly talks about being caught in the wardrobe by his wife, wearing nothing but clingfilm & a gas mask?? And this guy is 13 years sober!! I suppose the good thing is that I at least come out of there feeling half normal! I don't mean to slate AA, just some of the freaks that go there. I will never be able to watch a WW2 film again after hearing that, I have been tainted!

Anyway, I am off to watch the Queen Vic being blown up again for the 5th time (it's therapy!) & to drink another pint of tea. I also have a hot bubble bath running with my name on it. Till next time, be happy!

All sorted

It's 8.15pm on a Sunday night & I am all finished with my chores, thank God. Little one's treasure hunt & homework done, bathed, hot chocolate & biscuits administered & story read. They are back at school tomorrow & routine is so important at this age. Even if I can't get myself sorted out, at least they are in regular habits! My bedtime routine was messed up last night after I had to wait up for the prodigal 16 year old to roll in at 2am! Boy did she get a mouthful! I am afraid she is not Paris Hilton, & this is not the Savoy either. No room service & bell boys here! Bloody cheek of these teenagers! She has got one Hell of a shock coming to her. It turns out that her friend, a Boy of 19, has won 2 million on the Lotto. Not that I am bitter of course (spotty oik!) My Daughter was driving around in his car with friends crying over the BF going away to Rugby college. I am so looking forward to the tantrums this will entail! She starts college tomorrow, so hopefully she can get motivated into her course & making new friends. In reality she try's to act like a 20 year old, but has not got the maturity at all that she thinks she has. She lives in a bubble, which I am to blame for in truth. My life at her age was a far cry from her life now. I can't expect her to know that though, at 16 she is still a child, whether she likes it or not. 

On a positive note, the Autumn sunshine is hitting all the right notes with me, love it! September is always a nice month. I am hoping to get a few days out with the children to the zoo & stuff before the winter blues kick in - a whole new set of obstacles for the depressive. Then there is new Drama on BBC 1 & ITV to look forward to, which will make a nice change from bloody Eastenders, which lately I need a Valium to even watch! Torn between the Pikey Jackson's, Phil Mitchel's attempt at crack house chic, & the "who got pissed enough to knock up Sam Mitchel?" saga. Oh, & not forgetting serial killer in the making Becca, who has a facial expression that permanently looks like she is expecting a clump in the gob. (I am 1st in the queue guys, sorry) I love the way they attempt to portray mental illness in these soaps. I am a bi polar sufferer, & I am sure if I carried on like Jean Slater I would have been in that padded cell yonks ago. It is so unrealistic. When I am stable, I am actually quite normal (cough....splutter...) She runs around everyday  like Jerry springer on Meth! No wonder poor Stacey is Fucked up. I would have been having a holiday at HMP Holloway by now If I lived with that! Come on Enders writers, get a reality check!

Anyway, I am sure you have heard enough of my bile for one evening. I am off to drink tea, stuff home make Chicken Tikka, & smoke out my lungs with toxins in front of the box. Wishing you a happy Sunday!

Toodles,