Hello Blogsters!! Long time no hear!

 Well hello blogsters! I have not checked in for a while as I have been too high on life, er.... OK that's is a lie, but I have been tres' busy.

Lots of things have happened since my last check in. After recovering from a semi breakdown thanks to Asda online groceries (don't ask!) & Natwest -the helpful bank -NOT! I have actually had a very productive week for once! Although I am not due to see the mental health team till Friday (good job I have not offed myself by then during the 2 week wait for an appointment, hey?) for all the good they do, which is little in my experience. I have had to dig myself out of the trench as per. I know self medicating is not the answer, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As a result I have managed to re-set my body clock a little & have been up & about by 8am most days! Hoo-ray Henry! I have actually been partaking in life for once, & have decided to look into going back to uni to study nursing. I will be starting my evening job for the NHS soon & I have always wanted to be a nurse. I have an appointment to go to the uni open day at the end of October. If I do manage to survive the nightmare journey to get there, & all the skinny Model type students remains to be seen! I will keep you posted.

 I have been loving the morning strolls into town after the school run in the Autumn sunshine. I have been doing a lot of walking lately in the hope of renewing my relationship with my waist - whom I have not seen in a long time. No results as yet, not that I am impatient, I am just sick of looking 6 months pregnant all the time. 

The kids have benefited from me being up & around, home cooking (although the macaroni cheese I made yesterday could have been used to build walls) & unfortunately, homework!! I caught my eldest Son forging my signature in his HW planner so as to avoid my finding out he had a detention for non completion of Math HW. He is now in Home HW boot camp! Which went down like a cold cup of spew! The thing that most upsets me as a Bo Polar sufferer is the time missed with my kids, not being around if they need me. This week I have been around, both as loving interested Mum, & Homework tyrant Mum. It feels fantastic to be back, although at the present time my eldest Son may disagree!

I have not been to an AA meeting in over a week though so I do need to force myself into that again. TBH I have been doing so well that I did not want to spoil it sitting in a room full of (real) cranks!! And believe me, some of them are! How am I supposed to take seriously a Man who openly talks about being caught in the wardrobe by his wife, wearing nothing but clingfilm & a gas mask?? And this guy is 13 years sober!! I suppose the good thing is that I at least come out of there feeling half normal! I don't mean to slate AA, just some of the freaks that go there. I will never be able to watch a WW2 film again after hearing that, I have been tainted!

Anyway, I am off to watch the Queen Vic being blown up again for the 5th time (it's therapy!) & to drink another pint of tea. I also have a hot bubble bath running with my name on it. Till next time, be happy!

All sorted

It's 8.15pm on a Sunday night & I am all finished with my chores, thank God. Little one's treasure hunt & homework done, bathed, hot chocolate & biscuits administered & story read. They are back at school tomorrow & routine is so important at this age. Even if I can't get myself sorted out, at least they are in regular habits! My bedtime routine was messed up last night after I had to wait up for the prodigal 16 year old to roll in at 2am! Boy did she get a mouthful! I am afraid she is not Paris Hilton, & this is not the Savoy either. No room service & bell boys here! Bloody cheek of these teenagers! She has got one Hell of a shock coming to her. It turns out that her friend, a Boy of 19, has won 2 million on the Lotto. Not that I am bitter of course (spotty oik!) My Daughter was driving around in his car with friends crying over the BF going away to Rugby college. I am so looking forward to the tantrums this will entail! She starts college tomorrow, so hopefully she can get motivated into her course & making new friends. In reality she try's to act like a 20 year old, but has not got the maturity at all that she thinks she has. She lives in a bubble, which I am to blame for in truth. My life at her age was a far cry from her life now. I can't expect her to know that though, at 16 she is still a child, whether she likes it or not. 

On a positive note, the Autumn sunshine is hitting all the right notes with me, love it! September is always a nice month. I am hoping to get a few days out with the children to the zoo & stuff before the winter blues kick in - a whole new set of obstacles for the depressive. Then there is new Drama on BBC 1 & ITV to look forward to, which will make a nice change from bloody Eastenders, which lately I need a Valium to even watch! Torn between the Pikey Jackson's, Phil Mitchel's attempt at crack house chic, & the "who got pissed enough to knock up Sam Mitchel?" saga. Oh, & not forgetting serial killer in the making Becca, who has a facial expression that permanently looks like she is expecting a clump in the gob. (I am 1st in the queue guys, sorry) I love the way they attempt to portray mental illness in these soaps. I am a bi polar sufferer, & I am sure if I carried on like Jean Slater I would have been in that padded cell yonks ago. It is so unrealistic. When I am stable, I am actually quite normal (cough....splutter...) She runs around everyday  like Jerry springer on Meth! No wonder poor Stacey is Fucked up. I would have been having a holiday at HMP Holloway by now If I lived with that! Come on Enders writers, get a reality check!

Anyway, I am sure you have heard enough of my bile for one evening. I am off to drink tea, stuff home make Chicken Tikka, & smoke out my lungs with toxins in front of the box. Wishing you a happy Sunday!

Toodles,

What a shame

Oh what a shame! I had been saving all my rotten tomato's up to chuck at Tony Blair, however I missed my chance. Drat! I will have to keep them all now till I get the chance to throw them at the HMRC officials responsible for this latest Tax mess.Christ! This lot are so useless they could not organise a piss up in a brewery! I vote for Timmy Mallet to take over as prime minister, then we can all go around hitting people on the heads with mallets if they piss us off. That is what I call therapy! 

Well at least I am up & alert today for once. The lovely autumn sunshine woke me up & I feel strangely alive. I think this new routine of sleepers & camomile tea is doing the trick at last! My plans for the evening are sitting down with the kids & watching X Factor stuffing chocolates. It's the usual Saturday night ritual in our house. My Daughter is fuming because her BF has let her down, so she is stomping around the house like King Kong on LSD. I think we are going to be in for a fun evening there, the joy of teenagers! Personally I think they should be locked up from the ages of 12-20 for their (& our) sanity. Never mind, school/college soon. A welcome release for irate UK parents everywhere. Good job too, as I am sure I will be totally bald soon, having pulled out the last few hairs on my head in frustration. Anyway dinner time calls. Check in later peeps, till then, be well!

Ahhh..........

You have got to laugh! I took two pills to knock me out the night of my last post & actually slept before 12pm! Miracles do happen! I got up at 11am the next morning & managed to get out of this prison of a house to go to the shops. I also sorted out my laundry area & had a huge clear out of my youngest sons room, we now have 4 bags to toys to find a home for. Last night I did the same with the pills & did wake up about 8am, but fell to sleep again for a few hours. But hey, progress rather that perfection. That's what they tell us in AA anyhow. Speaking of which, I was at an AA meeting this evening feeling very resentful. AA is a wonderful fellowship, it has saved my life anyway, but God are those meetings fucking boring!! The lead speaker was cool, but stuck in a Church hall with most of the people looking like they are extras from only fools & horses just filled me with complete dread!! God, the same fucking people every week, droaning on about the same fucking thing every week is grim in the extreme! There is this one guy, retired ex navy & double figures sober, who has white hair & a beard like uncle Albert in only fools. He has a reputation for jumping on the bones of female members (the thought fills me with bile...) & he is currently shacked up with the tea lady (another member) who recently told everyone that he had hit her over the head with a telephone!! Fucking madness! Then there is this other guy, another double figures member who just spouts utter bollocks!! Talk about insincere! ( I like to call him Johnny flasher, as he wears a long black flasher mac) His head is so far up his own (& other peoples arses) that he is in danger of becoming a kebab! I think a kebab would have more personality! He drones on every fucking time I see him about how much he does for AA & bigging himself up. Then they talk about being spiritual? Tell you something, the minute I start wanting to become "somebody" in AA I am well & truly Fucked! I might be mental & resentful, but at least I am honest! All this getting one up on your fellow AA member is so far from humble. They try to be someone in AA because most of them, self obsessed & ego driven in the extreme, are nobodies outside of it. I would rather be a nobody & have some integrity thanks all the same! Why, might you ask, do I go there if I feel like this? Well, the answer is that there are genuine people in the rooms, few & far between, but they are there. There are also people who come in that are walking corpses killing themselves slowly, who have no idea that there is a 12 step programme that will save their lives. These are the people I go to AA for. The newbies who desperately need a friend, a cup of tea, & to be treated like a human being. The genuine cases, the real Alcoholics, like myself. The one's who I relate to. The ones who were not quite there to begin with (that's before the drink took over) The one's with a screw loose. I tell you one thing, I may be what I am but I do care & genuinely want to help. What I don't like are people who talk utter bollocks, who are not ex drunks at all, but scheming deviants looking for wounded victims to pounce on. Both male & female. I have never seen so many highly intelligent, manipulative sociopath's in one room. It's like having a cup of tea & a biscuit with Dr Hannibal Lector, without the charm. I have to tell myself time & again that it is principles & not personalities (which is lucky, as most of em' are devoid of any personality) The 12 step programme works, it's that simple. Albeit very slowly in my case! However, AA promised me that I need not drink one day at a time. It never promised me that I would not be mentally or physically ill, have loads of money, a great job, or perfect family. I have faith in a God of my own understanding today & I know that he can move mountains, but I had better bring my own shovel! Life & shit still happens, as it does for everyone else. The difference is that I do actually want to partake in life today, & am working on that the best I can. If I can help someone else, that is all that matters.

 On a positive note, Sainsburys were selling ironing boards for half price. I quickly grabbed one as mine is broken. At least I can make a start on the ironing now! God, life is exciting!! Never mind though, I least I am with it enough to experience it. Anyway, mad rant over, I am off to watch a Documentary about Blondie. God bless Debbie Harry!

 For now,

TV therapy .........Not........

Well I am now watching a recording on this evenings Crimewatch programme & stuffing jam & toast, my 1st meal of the day. Note to self, do not watch this type of TV when on a low one! It never ceases to amaze me what animals live in this world. I saw another programme yesterday about Sex traffickers in the UK & was totally shocked to find out that there are in excess of 400,000 people forced into the sex industry in this country alone! Shocking statistics. I sometimes wonder if I am better off in my own little bubble, just checking in on the stories of life that suit me. However I know this is unrealistic, & if I could change anything it would be how I am existing now. I hate the isolation. It was a lovely sunny day today & I only caught the last couple of hours. I am also at a total loss as to how I am getting fatter when I am hardly eating. Must be the drugs, which seem to do nothing except add more pounds onto my already increasing waistline!

I have decided that I am going to go to the GP & demand a change in medication. I hate going to the GP however. You can guarantee there will be someone in the waiting room who has fallen out with a bar of soap & is humming a song. I will need a pill just to go in there. 

Anyway, tea & cig time is calling so I will catch you later.

Life sucks.........

Not happy! Woke up at 5.30pm, despite all my efforts to go to sleep early, I have failed again. My poor partner who suffers from high blood pressure is at a loss as to what to do. TBH so am I. Why is this happening to me? I feel like a bloody vampire! I have hardly seen the kids & I am sure they think I do it on purpose. ATM life sucks. So what am I going to do now? I am fast becoming a victim of my own making, something I have battled not to be for so long. Perhaps this is my life script. I have spoken to my AA sponsor over email but this is something she can't help me with. Ok, think positive, what can I do about it? Go to the GP & find out if they can help. I will do that tomorrow, though I doubt they can do anything. The mental health unit are shite, so no point phoning them up. I feel such a useless Mother. That's the part that hurts the most about the whole situation. My poor kids. I will be glad when they are back at school so they don't have to be around here. I have bought all their uniform & everything - that God for Internet shopping! I have also got all my Daughters college stuff so at least that's done. I have got to do something about this. I feel so isolated & low. The aim of this blog was to help me voice my feelings & to hopefully help others. Not that I am much use to anyone ATM. I sound like a self obsessed whinge bag! Tomorrow is another day, I tell myself that a lot. I am going to sleep on the sofa tonight & hope that I wake up to the happy sounds of my Boys bouncing around. Please God..........

For now,