Ahhh..........

You have got to laugh! I took two pills to knock me out the night of my last post & actually slept before 12pm! Miracles do happen! I got up at 11am the next morning & managed to get out of this prison of a house to go to the shops. I also sorted out my laundry area & had a huge clear out of my youngest sons room, we now have 4 bags to toys to find a home for. Last night I did the same with the pills & did wake up about 8am, but fell to sleep again for a few hours. But hey, progress rather that perfection. That's what they tell us in AA anyhow. Speaking of which, I was at an AA meeting this evening feeling very resentful. AA is a wonderful fellowship, it has saved my life anyway, but God are those meetings fucking boring!! The lead speaker was cool, but stuck in a Church hall with most of the people looking like they are extras from only fools & horses just filled me with complete dread!! God, the same fucking people every week, droaning on about the same fucking thing every week is grim in the extreme! There is this one guy, retired ex navy & double figures sober, who has white hair & a beard like uncle Albert in only fools. He has a reputation for jumping on the bones of female members (the thought fills me with bile...) & he is currently shacked up with the tea lady (another member) who recently told everyone that he had hit her over the head with a telephone!! Fucking madness! Then there is this other guy, another double figures member who just spouts utter bollocks!! Talk about insincere! ( I like to call him Johnny flasher, as he wears a long black flasher mac) His head is so far up his own (& other peoples arses) that he is in danger of becoming a kebab! I think a kebab would have more personality! He drones on every fucking time I see him about how much he does for AA & bigging himself up. Then they talk about being spiritual? Tell you something, the minute I start wanting to become "somebody" in AA I am well & truly Fucked! I might be mental & resentful, but at least I am honest! All this getting one up on your fellow AA member is so far from humble. They try to be someone in AA because most of them, self obsessed & ego driven in the extreme, are nobodies outside of it. I would rather be a nobody & have some integrity thanks all the same! Why, might you ask, do I go there if I feel like this? Well, the answer is that there are genuine people in the rooms, few & far between, but they are there. There are also people who come in that are walking corpses killing themselves slowly, who have no idea that there is a 12 step programme that will save their lives. These are the people I go to AA for. The newbies who desperately need a friend, a cup of tea, & to be treated like a human being. The genuine cases, the real Alcoholics, like myself. The one's who I relate to. The ones who were not quite there to begin with (that's before the drink took over) The one's with a screw loose. I tell you one thing, I may be what I am but I do care & genuinely want to help. What I don't like are people who talk utter bollocks, who are not ex drunks at all, but scheming deviants looking for wounded victims to pounce on. Both male & female. I have never seen so many highly intelligent, manipulative sociopath's in one room. It's like having a cup of tea & a biscuit with Dr Hannibal Lector, without the charm. I have to tell myself time & again that it is principles & not personalities (which is lucky, as most of em' are devoid of any personality) The 12 step programme works, it's that simple. Albeit very slowly in my case! However, AA promised me that I need not drink one day at a time. It never promised me that I would not be mentally or physically ill, have loads of money, a great job, or perfect family. I have faith in a God of my own understanding today & I know that he can move mountains, but I had better bring my own shovel! Life & shit still happens, as it does for everyone else. The difference is that I do actually want to partake in life today, & am working on that the best I can. If I can help someone else, that is all that matters.

 On a positive note, Sainsburys were selling ironing boards for half price. I quickly grabbed one as mine is broken. At least I can make a start on the ironing now! God, life is exciting!! Never mind though, I least I am with it enough to experience it. Anyway, mad rant over, I am off to watch a Documentary about Blondie. God bless Debbie Harry!

 For now,